1.

Deitei na terra, na grama, na noite, olhos em aperto para enterrar-me meu rosto no respiro da terra úmida, encharcada, escalando minha pele e mais dentro por meu peito aberto, apertado, na terra. O céu era claro e a chuva açoitava-me.

Na manhã seguinte vi as marcas no espelho, vermelhas.

***

2.

Era assim, o frio, e soprava pelas laterais da rua e no cimo da ladeira corria por todos os lados, o frio, a cada passo se fazia mais eu, o frio, até que passou a movimentar-se por só, negando a energia da inércia e espraiando-se frio por todo canto.

***

3.

A vontade de gritar sempre esteve aqui, mas quando chega o momento do ato solto um ganido bizarro, a voz não acede e fica só nos olhos aquela esperteza, aquela certeza que já estava lá – e calo. Que adianta mais tentar! Ou já não existe ou morreu ou ainda vive, fundido nas mucosas do meu corpo. Me dá de alimentar…! Ou assim fica a promessa, e me satisfaço, como temo teimo em não ter medo (e falho).

***

6.

Sentada contra uma cadeira, pernas cruzadas. O que era aquilo mesmo que passava pela cabeça? Meus olhos ardem, meus lábios estão secos e ressequidos nas pontas. Deveria comprar manteiga de cacau, mas não é bem isso que tinha que comprar. Lembrar. Não era bem isso que tinha que lembrar; não é manteiga que vai untar meus olhos, como coçam, não ardem mas vidram berram forçam, e minha vista turva de névoa. Sem lágrimas. Estão secos, e aqui é seco e fresco, gélido, geladinho, fresquinho e seco. Sai aquela fumacinha que a gente vê no inverno, mas ela vem dos meus olhos, disto tenho certeza, e nem preciso levantar a cabeça pra ver no espelho.

***

10.

Meu sangue todinho tá pronto pra sair do corpo. Esvaziar. Já não flui, só desce, como uma onda gelando, tenho até que me sentar, as pernas enfraquecem. Ou o peito. O coração. O coração então! Não são as pernas, é ele que fraqueja. Mas é também a cabeça. Onda? Fosse simples! Uma onda mentolada de vidro agudo e líquido só se for.

***

20.

Em volta dos olhos. Rodeando-os. Não por fora, nem na pele também não dentro deles, mas em volta onde os músculos e os nervos devem puxá-los aos ossos. Não é uma dor.

***

21.

Não queime minhas cartas. Faça uma cópia, coloque na nuvem e salve também num HD. Escaneie e faça uma página no facebook, publique elas todas. Faça uma coletânea que custa entre 40 e 60 reais. Depois me mande pelo correio um fac-símile. Cole como lambe-lambe nas paredes de São Paulo. Até que pessoas andem por aí com trechos de minhas cartas tatuadas no pescoço. Dentro da garganta.

Tenho medo de que me esqueçam.

Mas já não há quem lembre de cartas.

Jorro informação e subjetividade. Me atravessam informação e subjetividade. Uma hora a subjetividade virou dado. Minha subjetividade não é minha, é alugada. Somos transparentes, somos porosos. Um número fixo de facetas para que fiquem viradas ao sol.

Minha subjetividade anda às voltas de mãos dadas com estranhos.

***

28.

Mentol. Vidro. Estilhaços? Pelos vasos sanguíneos cursa agudezas… profundas, me soterram; me elevam; me dispersam, cambaleio – ter o coração quebrado é sede.

***

28.1.

Beber água quando sedento, no calor intenso.

28.1.2.

Numa calçada da Liberdade.

***

31.

O corpo é traiçoeiro nessas coisas; não guarda memória para nos impelir a querer mais, ficarmos desejosos. Fazer é lembrar. Aí nos lançamos com checklists nas mãos, cada toque conhecido com outra intensidade, se é memória de agora ou coisa única fica a curiosidade. Vamos mapeando nossas peles. Avançamos pelos tropeços…

***

32.

Assisto as espinhas erupcionando, emergem, estouram, somem na minha cara, as sobrancelhas caindo; a linha do cabelo recede e também a das gengivas, manchas brancas vão e vêm nas minhas unhas e as pontas dos dentes embranquecem, as marcas, as manchas, a gravidade, vejo todas elas passando corridas pela minha pele, mas não importa quão rápido, ainda é muito lento, meu corpo perece e a morte não chega.

***

39.

Enche-me destas coisas vis e engulo seco: resisto. Doutra forma exercer esforço é ativar teu feitio elástico, e igualmente engoli-lo a seco. Maldito, de ti afasto-me. Maldito, de ti padeço.

***

40.

Vai trocando de pele, troca de pele troca de pele – casca de peles excretadas.

Nenhuma abandona. Carapaça.

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