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Quando eu comecei a escrever histórias, sempre esbarrava no mesmo drama: a ausência deles. Mais especificamente, a falta de um conflito claro e definido.

Eu escrevia muito, deixando-me seduzir pelas imagens que brotavam em abundância. Desplugava o fio terra e seguia feliz navegando pelo caos, compondo cenários, situações exóticas, jogos de palavras. Então, com tudo isso justaposto e um sorriso indagador nos lábios, sofria ao ouvir do pobre interlocutor que se dignara ao ler minha obra: tem muita coisa bacana aqui, mas sobre o que é essa história, afinal?

Mata mais do que bala de carabina, mas ajuda a cair na real. Ou, pelo menos, a reconectar o fio. Ou, no mínimo, a saber que ele precisa ser encontrado. Mas isso não era nada fácil.

Desesperada por uma saída desse labirinto, convertia-me numa caçadora de histórias. Vasculhava fatos reais, narrativas perfeitas, mas tudo em que conseguia pensar era mera cópia do que já havia pronto, enquanto fritava um ovo na cabeça. Quando estava a ponto de testar espremê-la em um torno, entendi parte do problema: minha submissão a muitas regras. Moralismo. Um resultado final pré-determinado, personagens tão certinhas quanto a autora, preservadas da temível incoerência humana. Porque ter uma ética não significava amarrar a personagem numa conduta retilínea: para que ela tivesse o que contar, necessitaria do erro.

Então, entendi onde estava escondido o meu conflito: eu sempre fui uma grande engolidora deles. Tinha um brejo de sapos gordos entalado na garganta, mas, cada vez que um precisava ser pescado, a patrulha do “deixa-disso” entrava em operação. É o preço a se pagar pela vida suave em cores pastéis. Eu simplesmente não aceitava que o conflito fosse algo bom a ser experimentado. Estava sempre relacionado a baderna, barraco, descontrole ou qualquer outra palavra pejorativa. Percebi o quanto a desestabilização gerada pelo abalo das coisas em ordem me desesperava. Ciente disso, num desespero mudo, gritei pra dentro: por que raios alguém como eu resolveu justamente escrever histórias? Não seria mais adequado pintar paisagens contemplativas?

Pintei meia dúzia de aquarelas, mas não adiantou. Porque o desassossego arranha. Tal como uma ostra burilando pérolas, havia muitos incômodos pulsando nas entranhas, personagens estranhas que pediam passagem, pediam existência. Pediam que eu deixasse de ser tão certinha. Solta essa voz, sua louca – uma delas bradava. Encara essa treta! – um outro dizia. Até que, um dia, sucumbi: me joguei nesse carnaval sem regra nem culpa, abri a caixa de pandora das paixões humanas, morri de terror e espanto, depois de júbilo, e, num dado momento, meus dedos somente registravam as vozes dissonantes gritando dentro de mim, depois fora de mim, espelhadas no mundo.

Ao me deparar com o resultado, surpreendi-me: era apaixonante. Era dor, era alegria, eram cores marcantes. Eu havia aceitado o errar humano. Então, percebi que não tinha que encontrar um conflito, era só deixar sair. E mais: que a arena da narrativa era o mais perfeito lugar para que todos eles ganhassem existência, pois, ali, era possível entrar e sair, rever, mexer, depurar. Pular pra um lado, pular pro outro, sentir as feridas de todos. Ao contrário da vida, que não tem volta, a escrita permite a reescrita. Nesse balanço entre uma razão e outra, entre uma personagem e outra, entre viver na carne aquela história e flutuar acima dela em uma posterior análise, o tão ansiado equilíbrio se estabelecia, tal como a terra após a tempestade.

Aceitar essa dança entre os pêndulos me ajudou não apenas a criar histórias reais, mas a não me fixar em nenhum ponto de vista rígido e aceitar que a medida se dá pela desmedida. Então, percebi que não apenas aprendi a aceitar o conflito, mas aceitei que o som e fúria são inevitáveis. Porém, ao contrário do que pensa Macbeth, não são vazias de sentido. Entre elas, pulsa o sal da vida.

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